Everyday Anger II

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Photo Source: Yeva

As this blog has evolved, it has turned into my Truth Blog. Not sugar-coated, rose-shaded, always-positive actively looking for readers to come and like, like, like — but truthful to my persona and welcoming to whoever wanted to tag along. So, today, I’m writing about my husband. Or rather, about how a few days ago my husband and I got into a big, big fight, in front of the kids. And all that for a miscommunication. I heard “Yes” and he assures me he said “No”.

Two days have passed since; we have talked, we apologized, we talked to the kids, but I still don’t feel alright. The nagging guilt inside me now combined with sadness rather than anger is still overshadowing most other thoughts and feelings. Meditating on a regular basis has taught me how to identify my feelings, but its hard to meditate at moments like this. For months now I’ve been feeling this puzzling whisper of pain whenever I meditate, though it was too quiet to consciously feel in every day life. And this fight triggered a release of the hidden anger and deception that I’ve been stocking inside of me. How often have I bit my tongue when I was unhappy or deceived, but didn’t want to get into an argument.  This fight has helped me recognize the power of bitterness inside of me, however, how do we accept ourselves and our pain in such cases, when we know clearly that we have done something wrong? Self-acceptance is not as easy as it might initially seem, since it is not about turning a blind eye on the shadows lurking within our depths but rather about recognizing them, bringing them to light and still accepting ourselves.

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3 thoughts on “Everyday Anger II

  1. I can so recognize that “peace at all cost” platform, and I believe I’ve found for me it’s very toxic. I NEED to say my truth. The important thing for me — and what keeps me from getting bogged down in guilt and sadness — is HOW I express it. May I ask why you feel your honest feelings are from the dark side of your inner thoughts? I have spent the last two years figuring out that thoughts are just thoughts. They are neither good nor bad. They’re just how I feel. It’s how I act on them that determines whether they end up positive or negative. That’s what I’ve had to work on. That makes self-acceptance a bit easier. Do you feel bad because the kids were witness to the argument? You can’t shield them from negative emotions in life, Yeva, but you can (and sounds like you did) show them how to resolve them positively. THAT is an invaluable life lesson. JMO. 🙂 {{{Yeva}}}}

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    1. Thank you so much for this comment. I feel like it has really placed things in their proper place in my head about thoughts and feelings being neutral. I have felt for so long that I have to be like this or like that in order to be accepted, that today even though I’m trying to open up and to gain confidence in my true self, I still tend to be ashamed of thoughts that make me feel angry. I keep falling back into old thought patterns: “I have to learn how to control myself better, I have to be a strong woman. ”
      I feel very guilty that the kids were witnesses. My son outbursts really easily. He might make a mistake while drawing and he’ll start screaming and tearing his drawing apart. I try to teach him that while it’s ok to feel angry or disappointed, he needs to learn how to channel that energy elsewhere other than screams because it has a negative effect on people around him. So I feel like I really set a horrible example there. I also feel guilty that I didn’t control my outburst or listen to my intuition. Before the fight I felt like I should have done my own thing, but logically I decided that there was no reason to worry and that I could count on my husband.
      In any case, now I can say that I’m mostly at peace with myself. I still regret the outburst a bit, but I don’t dwell on it; there were too many strong feelings that have piled up and we both could have reacted differently. I hope though that it won’t happen again and I have to try to consciously let the steam out before it builds up pressure.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It probably WILL happen again. It happens to all of us. It’s taken us a lifetime to learn the patterns we practice, it’s gonna take a while to unlearn them and put something else in their place. When it happens use those times as teaching moments. Your husband should see how useful that can be, hopefully. Especially with your son. My daughter has one son who gets very upset like that, too. She’s constantly telling him to use his words, not his fist (as in banging on the table). It can get to be quite a problem.

        Liked by 1 person

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